The Importance of Not Being Lenalee
by The Taloned Merlin
Summary: Lenalee wakes up one day to find that everything is topsy-turvy. For, amazingly, no one is treating her like a little princess!


**Warnings: Character-bashing. You don't have to read it. The back-button is just a simple click away. Also, there is a serious lack of plot, repetition of terms, and generic narrative. Proceed at your own risk. **

**A/n: I know I have already written a regular story with Lenalee. My strong dislike for her did not, however, begin until a short while ago. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man.**

**P.S: PLEASE READ THE NOTES AT THE END BEFORE YOU REVIEW.**

**The Importance of Not Being Lenalee**

One fine spring day, at eight in the morning, Lenalee Lee woke up and stretched languidly. As she did so she noticed her hair, caught in the sunlight, and smiled smugly. Of course, it didn't look smug at all; she had perfected the art of looking innocent even when she did not feel so. "How beautiful my raven-dark locks are!" she thought, running her strands through the warm silk. "They must complement perfectly my milky skin and amethyst eyes!"

Getting up, she advanced across the room – easily the biggest for residence in Headquarters – and, opening her closet, scrutinised her outfits. How tragic it was that a gorgeous girl of sixteen could not have a walk-in closet and fine jewellery! Even if this was a _war_, she was still a teenager! She probably had the most varied outfits out of all the exorcists, but she was a young girl – she was permitted some liberties others could not afford.

"And even so," she thought, "I usually wear my mini-skirt. Outfits that cover the legs are soooo frumpy! Especially on legs as long and shapely as mine! Miranda needs a couple of lessons from me!" She grinned as she cheerfully pulled on her skirt, her boots, and her exorcist's jacket; she could talk Miranda into looking a bit more trendy later; surely she'd appreciate it.

After she had washed, she walked out of her chamber, realising that something was strange. There was no fanfare awaiting her from Bak or the boys from the Asian Branch – they had arrived late the night before – which was odd, because she was sure they all worshipped her like the goddess she was. "I know!" she thought, brightening. "They're probably planning a huge party for me down at the cafeteria!" Giggling girlishly, she glided gracefully down the stairs, making sure to bounce so that her skirt would ride up a little. Sadly, there was no one to see, so she stopped jumping and just walked.

She reached the cafeteria, but instead of a party there were just people eating. Disappointed, Lenalee went over to the counter and ordered some breakfast, then turned to scan the hall. Her face lit up angelically when she saw Allen – dear, sweet, traumatised, handsome Allen – sitting alone on one of the trestle tables by a window, inhaling his food, as per usual.

Grabbing her plate and sweetly thanking Jerry, Lenalee went over to Allen and sat opposite him. "Good morning, Allen!" she said in a saccharine tone.

"Oh, uh, morning, Lenalee," he mumbled back around a mouthful of dumpling. Lenalee frowned. "Why do you sound so off?" she asked, leaning forward.

"No reason," he muttered, putting his chin in his hand.

Lenalee reached across and slapped him. How _dare_ he not tell her what was bothering him! Wasn't she his personal counselor who never judged him? "Allen!" she whined. "We're _friends_, aren't we? We've had this talk before! Friends tell! Come on, Allen, let me make you feel better – "

To her shock, Allen got up sharply and said, "Lenalee, stop hounding me! Will you just _shut up_ for once and give me some personal space? I'm tired of hearing you scream my name _all the time_! You're not my cheerleader, for God's sake! Allen this and Allen that and Allen, Allen, Allen! Even when I'm in the middle of a _battle_ you scream _Allen_ like it's gonna help! It's distracting and annoying, lady! Now, excuse me!" He picked up his tray and stormed off.

Lenalee looked after him. Then she burst into tears, dramatically putting her face in her hands. How could Allen talk to her like that? It was so unlike him! No one had ever, ever spoken to her in that manner before!

She cried harder, and only trailed off into sniffles when Reever walker up to her with a puckered brow. At last! Someone who would give her his undying sympathy!

"Oh, Reever!" she hiccoughed. "That was so horrible! I care for my friends so so sooooo much and Allen just..."

"Look, kid," Reever said gruffly, straightening some documents in his hands. "We can't always be patting your back and comforting you. Shit happens; get over it. Better yet, get over yourself! Maybe you could, you know, grow a spine?"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaah!" Lenalee cried. "You're all so terrible! You're worse than Akuma! I'm going to run away, like I did when I was little!" She pushed her tray away and darted out the cafeteria, out the hall, into the forest nearby. She knew there would at some point be a group out searching for her, calling her name, weeping at her loss. Komui would be _devastated_.

Calming down a bit in self-satisfaction and wiping her face, she walked on, eventually reaching an open space. She stopped when she saw Kanda, brandishing his sword with a blindfold on, cutting small leaves that drifted in the air clean in half. He paused when he heard her, and slipped off the cloth that bound his eyes. He frowned. "What do you want?"

"Can't you see I've been crying?" she asked.

"Yeah," he returned. "So?"

"That's right," she said softly, giving a sad, sweet smile. "You never ask me what's wrong, do you, Kanda? I've always appreciated that about you. I can talk and talk and you never complain. You know, you won't believe it, just now Allen – "

Kanda sighed irritably and said, "Lenalee, just quit it. I can't perpetually lend you a shoulder to cry on; I've got stuff to do, like _train_. Maybe you should try it instead of whining that you can't save your friends. Not everyone has a convenient innocence that automatically powers them up and that requires no honing, like yours! Seriously, I've never even seen you practice, and I've known you since I was, what, eleven?"

"But Kanda!" she said, making the best tragic-face she could. "You said I was a strong woman!"

"I was lying," he elaborated, "to make you shut up. How the hell could anyone concentrate on _anything_ with your stupid, high voice all over the place?"

Lenalee stomped her foot and felt tears spring to her eyes again. She balled her hands into fists and cried, "I'm allowed to cry and mope! I'm a girl!"

"You're a _soldier_. And I've never met a girl who goes on as big a **_BAWWWWWWWWWL_** fest as you at the drop of a pin. Seriously, Miranda never had anyone care about her in her life and she weeps less than you!" He was uncharacteristically animated, though given his frustration he could perhaps be forgiven this.

Lenalee began to scream shrilly: "My parents were killed by Akuma!"

"I know that! You mention it _every day_! Anyway, you don't even remember it, so I don't see why you're so angsty about it."

"I was taken away from my beloved brother and forced to stay in this horrible place!"

"Um, you mean with Reever and Johnny and all the other pansy scientists who dote on you like you're the most precious little gem in the whole world."

Lenalee was getting frantic, losing the argument. "I went insane and had to be tied to a bed!"

"Yeah, that was nasty, but seriously," Kanda said, raising his brows so that they disappeared under his fringe, "it was partially your fault. You're such a whiny little bitch. Couldn't you have just accepted the help you were offered during that time? And Komui went out of his way to take care of you. Either way, I can't even count the number of times you said you love everyone in the Order."

Having run out of rational reasons to angst, Lenalee moaned, "How could you ever understand what I went through? Everything in my life was sooooo traumatic!" This was ridiculous. Why wasn't anyone coming to her defence, as they usually did? And why was Kanda talking so damn _much_?

Kanda stared, appalled. "In case you didn't know," he said in a clipped tone, "I was artificially created by scientists, was subjected to shockingly cruel experiments _throughout the first damn year of my life, _in which I was literally torn limb from limb, found out I possessed the brain of a dead exorcist, started getting hallucinations, headaches, and fits of fainting, was euthanised in an extremely painful manner – electrocution, to be precise – for an unjust cause, and then was forced to kill my best friend – again and again and again until his seal stopped working. I was _ten_. Right now I'm working my ass off for the bastards who did all that to me. I don't recall complaining _even once_."*

"You don't understand!" Lenalee shrieked. "No one could ever be as tragically traumatised as _meeeeeee_!" Dashing away tears, she ran out of the forest and back to headquarters, scarcely able to see for the salty tears that stung her eyes.

She decided she was not going to stop blubbing until someone came and comforted her. Preferably a man, because men flocking around her always made her feel so special, wanted and loveable. And who better to make her feel beautiful than...

"Bak!" she cried dramatically, flinging herself at the unsuspecting chief of the Asian Branch and burying her face in his shoulder. He had been standing by the front gates, about to call out to the people inside. "Oh, Bak, everyone has been so terrible to me today! First Allen, then Reever, then Kanda! They're all just jerks, aren't they?" She looked hopefully up at him. Bak looked extremely uncomfortable, but wasn't breaking out in hives, as he usually did. That was odd.

"Um, Lenalee," he mumbled. "I have something to confess."

"You do?" she asked, going all wide-eyed at the prospect of hearing exclusive gossip.

He shifted. "Well, um, I feel really guilty for saying this now, but, er, I used to...kind of...really like you."

Lenalee's hands flew to her mouth. How deliciously scandalous and flattering!

"In fact," Bak continued, "I used to keep photos of you."

Lenalee nodded sagely, acceptingly. Oh, this day was at last getting better! Then...

"Wait?" she said. "'Used to'?"

He nodded. "I...I think I fell in love with Fou somewhere along the way."

"Fou?" Lenalee scrunched her nose. That orange-haired, pasty-skinned non-human? What did she have that Lenalee didn't?! After all, Lenalee was such a _sexpot_ that _everyone_ wanted to get it on with her.

"It's just..." Bak twiddled his thumbs, blushing cutely. "Fou is just really strong-willed and intelligent and a really good fighter. I mean, she has her softer moments, too – I've seen her cry and go all compassionate and mushy – but overall she's just...so...amazing," he finished dreamily. "I think I realised," he said in a more business-like tone, "that the only reason I liked you was because you were pretty – and also because you always wear that shorter-than-short skirt. I mean, I could see your panties when you somersaulted in the air**. I've realised that I shouldn't have treated you so specially just for your looks and the fact that you **dress like a whore** and **act like some innocent twelve-year-old**.***" He grinned, then began to muse. "I mean, you're a total contradiction. You're really courageous when you have your Dark Boots, but when you're without them you're a total sissy and just drag everyone down with your emo-tasticness and your fake, tragic face."

Lenalee activated her Boots and kicked him in the nose, sending him flying into some rose-bushes nearby, never mind that the Asian Branch would fall apart without him – and also that _she_ was the only person allowed to hurt someone with her Innocence when she was pissed off. After all, no one would _dare_ to threaten a little princess like her.

Huffing, and now more angry than upset, she strutted – yes,_ strutted_, to show off her pert little ass – into the main building. She was going to have a word with Komui about all this. Did he concoct some weird potion again that made everyone go bonkers?

On the way up the stairs she crossed the library, and caught sight of Lavi, poring over several thick, leather-bound volumes. Lenalee's face lit up. She was sure Lavi had a crush on her – he'd dropped several hints before – and sauntered up to him, making sure to sway her hips so her thighs would show right to her groin. "Hey, Lavi," she greeted with an innocent, wide-eyed smile. "How are you?"

"Hnn? Oh, fine," he mumbled, not taking his eyes off his books. His chin was fitted neatly into his hand, and he looked quite comfortable. In fact, he looked _too_ comfortable. He should be staring at her with an open mouth and a lust-filled gaze!

She leaned forward nosily and peered into the volume he was reading, onto to have it shut in her face. Lavi looked cross. "Lenalee! It's private! Only Panda and I are allowed to read this stuff!"

Crocodile tears, yet again, filled her eyes, and she pressed her hands to her heart as if it was being torn asunder. "You're so mean! Why can't I see?"

"And you're such a little attention-whore, it's disgusting," he shot back. "Seriously, what is with that outfit? Do you _need_ to show the Millenium Earl and the rest of our enemies what a fashionista you are? Our job is to kill Akuma, not to walk the ramp in Paris or London! What's wrong with pants or shorts up to the knees, anyway?"

"I am _not_ an attention-whore!" she insisted, gesturing wildly. "I'm not, I'm not, I'm _not_! And I wear the skirt because of my Boots; they cover my legs!"

"Your Boots, unless I'm blind, which I certainly am not, reach your _knees_. They don't go all the way up to your unmentionables," he said in a blasé, calculating manner. "As for your not being an attention-whore, I beg to differ. You cry at _absolutely anything_, you dress like a high-school tart even though you're supposed to be a _respectable, serious fighter **of the Church**_, and you **scream** people's names during battles like everyone's life depends on it! Also, you're such a little hypocrite: you say _everyone_ here is like your family, but remember that time I got _mind-raped_ by Road? Instead of being concerned about my well-being, you just kept shrieking Allen's name like he was the one being controlled, and then started weeping, as if that would help!"

"Stop it, Lavi! You're being terrible!" she said pathetically, clamping her hands over her ears so they wouldn't hear the awful truth.

"And what about the time that Level Four attacked HQ? I distinctly remember Kanda and a couple of finders being on the same elevator as Komui, but when it got smashed you didn't bother with _anyone_ but your brother! I mean, sure, he's your _brother,_ but you've known Kanda for a really long time and you didn't even _think_ about him!"

"You're wrong!"

"Prove it," Lavi returned, in a perfectly Bookman-ish style. Then, wisely, he returned his attention to his work.

Lenalee began to scream. She stormed out of the room, kicking and still screaming, destroying a wall and a bookshelf in the process, and didn't stop her hissy, princess fit until she reached Komui's office. She shattered the door to splinters with her Innocence, then advanced to Komui, who was, for a change, actually working, and caught him by his collar. Her eyes shone like a demon's. "Well," she ventured, "what's the meaning of all this, nii-san? You better tell me something I want to hear, or I'm going to kick you out of that window."

Komui calmly pried her hands off his coat, steepled his fingers, and said, "Darling Lenalee-chan. I merely made a potion that would finally clear everyone's sight as to who you really are. I realised that, as a big brother who is concerned for your well-being, I couldn't have everyone just blindly praise you for nothing – that would spoil you! In fact, it already has. You never try to get stronger, dear – you just cry and suddenly everything's better because everyone takes such good care of you. Well, now, as your big brother and the commander of the Exorcists at Headquarters, I declare that you will spend at least three hours every day training – the same as the other soldiers – and that all the uniforms will be standard and unbiased: _everyone_ will wear full-length pants****. Yours will be a bit looser, to go over your Dark Boots. Now, you will have to _work_ for praise. It's the only way to grow, dear. I can't have everyone go ga-ga over you because of your pretty face and nice body."

Lenalee almost tore her hair out. She screamed, she cried, she destroyed her brother's office. She was so angry she was almost blind. There was a ringing in her ears, getting louder and louder till she couldn't even _hear_...

She bolted upright, in her bed. The sun was streaming through her window. The birds were singing. It was late in the morning. Lenalee, still frantic, rolled off her bed and fell to the floor with a thud. It had been a dream, she realised. Just a terrible, awful...

* * *

"Hey," noted Lavi, as he leaned against his expanded hammer. They were in a German town, on a mission. "Did you notice she's wearing pants? Refreshing change, if you ask me!"

"Agreed," muttered Kanda, bewildered. "And she hasn't cried even once. That's a relief. Maybe she finally grew some ovaries."

"I wonder if she's ill," said Allen, a bit concerned. He hadn't had to save her ass at all.

All was well.

**The end**

* * *

**Notes:**

***And this is why Kanda rocks. **

****I am aware that Hoshino drew a panel in which Lenalee is holding up her skirt in front of the boys to reveal that she is wearing shorts beneath. I, however, do not take this as canon, because if you see Lenalee in either the regular manga or the anime, it's as if she isn't even wearing panties. The 'shorts' she wears during the attack on HQ barely pass as underwear. Also, in that particular panel, Lenalee's skirt is much longer than it usually is. **

*****I have more of an issue with Lenalee being a hypocrite than her dressing scantily. This is why I have no problem with Fou: she dresses in what is practically a bikini, but she doesn't pretend to be innocent. Also, as a non-human, she doesn't always have to conform to human ideals. **

******I strongly believe in wearing what you want to wear without being judged as either a slut or a frump. But Lenalee is a soldier and is, in my opinion, exempt from this. The pants, in this case, are not a symbol of masculinity – which is not in any way superior to femininity – but of propriety on the battlefield, and a sign that looks are not on her mind. They also offer more protection generally. For regular civilians, I do NOT see skirts as a sign that you are 'asking for it' (this is a ridiculous notion), but I do take it as a sign that you want ****to look pretty – and that is absolutely fine and respectable. But in a battle, your point of focus should not be your attractiveness, period.**

* * *

**Replies to some reviews:**

**Guest: You said, "I get what you're saying, but I don't think that she's really a spoiled brat like you portrayed. I mean, I get where you're coming from, but is wearing a skirt such a big deal? And a lot of anime/manga stuff have people constantly yelling people's names during battle." **

**First of all, it's called humour: exaggeration may be included in such a thing. Then again, Lenalee is definitely more spoiled than any other exorcist (I will clarify this in the next reply). No, I don't have a problem with 'a skirt'; I have a problem with a micro-skirt on a battlefield. As to yelling people's names, I believe you may be using faulty logic. It would be tantamount to saying: "I steal for no reason. My friends steal for no reason. Therefore, I am justified." **

**EliTigre: You said, "I don't like Lenalee either, but I would like to know why you don't, exactly. Also, she had a traumatizing past... Less than others, and she was too sissy about it, agreed. But not worrying for Kanda isn't so wrong, actually. He survives pratically everything." **

**I think I made it pretty obvious why I don't like her: she acts as and is treated like a little princess for no reason save that she is pretty. If you want an example, take the instance in the Rewinding Town arc. Miranda has her hands NAILED TO A CLOCK and Allen barely acts concerned, but he sees Lenalee dressed like a doll and screams her name as if she's being tortured. Also, people are unduly polite to her, calling her 'Miss Lena' like she's royalty. Don't say it's because she's Komui's sister: no one gives him much respect, so why should they by default give any to Lenalee?**

**Her past is traumatising. I agree. But, as you rightly pointed out, she whines about it so much that I stopped feeling sorry for her.**

**As for Kanda, it can be small things that are annoying. They just add to the big things and make everything more irritating. Also, just because he heals doesn't mean he doesn't feel pain.**


End file.
